Drunk or Fat?

Looks like it’s going to be the latter. I’ve mentioned that I once weighed almost 400 pounds and lost over 200 after gastric bypass surgery (8 years ago) and an exercise addiction.  It would seem that I’m partial to transfer addictions. I went from food to exercise, to sex, to alcohol and I’m right back where I started with food.

I have everything to be happy about. I’m 11 months sober today. Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Both of my daughters are successful college students. Both of my jobs are very busy. All good things, eh?

For some reason I can’t stop stuffing my face. I feel horrendous physically. I’m bloated, puffy, tired and down right fat again. I’m losing the battle and I hate myself for it. I feel myself going into my shell. I look dumpy and frumpy. I know I need to exercise again and I’ve got every excuse in the book not to but my body is screaming at me to wake up before it’s too late.  I’m an embarrassment to myself and my family. But I’m sober.


Trading One Addiction For Another

Wednesday will be 5 months since I’ve had a drink.  Some days it seems like it was yesterday, like when I think of the life altering hangovers. Other days it seems like it’s been years.

I’ve mentioned before that I had gastric bypass surgery almost 8 years ago.  I rarely drank then but when I did, it was almost always to excess.  Anyway, as an adult, I ate whatever I wanted to eat.  I didn’t prescribe to the whole, “I’m eating my emotions” idea.  I was a young stay at home mother who rarely had a minute to brush my hair, let alone deal with the emotions of my past.  So I grew physically to epic proportions.  I weighed nearly 400 pounds 8 years ago.  I was physically miserable as I’d tried every diet and could easily lose weight only to gain it back just as quickly as it came off.  I made the decision along with my then husband to have surgery.  He had his 2 months after mine.

The weight literally fell off.  I lost over 100 pounds in the first 4 months.  But, I strictly followed the surgeons orders.  Whatever I ate was logged in a food diary, even if it was only an olive.  I had tunnel vision where my weight loss was concerned.  It wasn’t easy, but I knew it was what I needed to do.

It took me 18 months to get to a place where I could physically exercise.  I went way overboard with that pretty much like everything else I’ve done in my life.  If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess.  I was walking 9 miles a day or biking 18 miles.  I loved this time as it gave me time to get my thoughts together.

Fast forward a couple of years and a divorce later and I was dating.  Most dates seemed to have an alcohol tie but I was very good at drinking water to make sure I could drive myself home.  I didn’t feel left out from not drinking.  I felt in control.  I really drank very rarely.

When I met my current boyfriend 4.5 years ago, I was dabbling with drinking but always in controlled situations where I knew I was safe and didn’t have to drive.  He was definitely a drinker and it was fun drinking with him.  Anyway, that’s a long story to be told on a different day.  My point is that my drinking escalated from barely drinking to binge drinking ever other weekend for 3 days at a time.  I had transferred my food addiction to an alcohol addiction.  You could probably throw a sex addiction in there as well as I had some pretty wild times there too.

I’ve been eating a lot lately.  As in binge eating, not really giving a crap what I’m putting in my body eating. I suppose I’ve transferred my alcohol addiction back to food.  I need to reign it back in to become an exercise obsession.  The problem is that even after 5 months of sobriety, I still don’t have to get up and go that I once did.  Maybe it’s my lack of self confidence holding me down.  Maybe it’s just plain old laziness.  All I know is that I lack the motivation to eat healthily and exercise like I used to.

An aside, I’m not feeling well due to a disease I acquired five years ago that has no cure.  The flares have been hitting harder and more often than before I quit drinking.  I’ve spent most of today feeling totally miserable and wanting nothing more than to crawl into a bottle so that I don’t have to feel like this. I know that I won’t do that but boy do I want to.  Things will get better.  They always do.


The Weight is Over (I hope)

The whole episode with the boyfriend has left me feeling more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt.  He pulled the one card on me that brought me to my knees.

A little about my past…I once weighed almost 400 pounds.  I had gastric bypass surgery 7.5 years ago.  I lost over 200 pounds in a very short time.  I worked hard to the point of addiction on my diet and exercise.  I never drank during this period of weight loss.  Over the past couple of years, I’ve put some of the weight back on, more than likely due to alcohol.  I’m not where I’d like to be weight wise but consider it amazing that I’ve kept over 150 pounds off.  My body is less than perfect. I’ve stretched my physical self more than anyone should.  I’m left with hanging skin, although not as much as many who’ve lost that much weight. I’m trying to look at the positive side of things.

Anyway, back to the boyfriend.  He has a monthly bi polar schedule.  I can almost predict when he’s going to go completely ape shit on me, telling me one minute how he’s never loved anyone as much as me.  Then cutting me to shreds in the next breath.  He didn’t actually call me fat but in his snit he said that because things weren’t working out between us, he was going to sleep with younger, smaller women.  Ouch!

It’s funny how much I let my weight affect my entire mindset.  Part of me wants to say, “Fuck It” and drink myself into blackness.  At least the bottle doesn’t judge me.

Interestingly, weight loss surgery didn’t slow down my drinking after I set my mind to it.  Having your intestines rerouted causes alcohol to be absorbed directly into your bloodstream.  It doesn’t hang out in your small stomach.  It takes the most direct route to your brain and it happens at lightening speed.  Alcohol leaves your system quicker than a normal person.  This poses the tricky task of keeping the perfect buzz going.  One minute you’re falling down drunk and a bit later you are stone cold sober.  I remedied this situation by guzzling buckets of vodka for long periods of time.

So, I’m left here feeling vulnerable with the least amount of self esteem I’ve ever had.  Does this mean I’m going to drink?  Hell no!  I may be fat, but at least I’m not drunk and fat.