Drain Bamage

At nearly two years sober, my brain has decided to take a vacation. I’ve been having trouble stringing a complete sentence together these last few days.  I’m chalking it up to peri menopause.  I’m nearly 47 and assume that it won’t be long before I begin that journey.

I felt like I had my life more together when I was drinking.  I suppose that’s because I had to work at making my life look organized.

My divorce has been final now for 6 years.  I spent most of the 20 years I was married staying home with my daughters.  I worked cleaning houses and did other odd jobs when my then husband had mornings or days off. My girls never went to daycare and I pride myself on how well rounded and intelligent they are.  Their teachers always remarked about their manners and educational abilities being well above their age groups.  I’ve nothing against daycare and realize it’s something almost all families have to do in order to make a living.  I consider our family blessed because of the time we spent together.

Because I chose to raise our daughters,  I never finished my education.  I’ve worked in our family business as a graphic designer for the last  14 years.  I truly enjoy my work there.  After the divorce,  I had to take on a second job. I fell into a part time position with one of the largest agricultural companies in the world as a safety technician  (having no prior experience) for a research site. I’ve been there almost 6 years and feel I am doing a pretty great job. My supervisor tells people he wishes he had 10 of me. He can’t however,  give me a full time job because I don’t have a degree.

I’ve spent the last 6 years inserting myself into learning jobs other than my own in an attempt to make myself irreplaceable.  If it comes my way,  I’m going to learn it.  Everything from weekly office cleaning,  yard care,  becoming certified to train people for forklift operation, handling all of the occupational health pograms, hand labor in the fields and labs and also anything my job description requires. All this while also running the family business,  sometimes from a corn field. I have no idea how I managed all of this while suffering debilitating hangovers.

The last three weeks have been tough on me physically. I’ve been working 50+ hours with only one day off a week.   I’ve been working at hand harvesting crops for research which entails back breaking work and walking around  6.5 miles in a day.  We have now moved on to machine harvest where we must take field notes before the crops are taken off. During this time,  my foot decided to have plantar facitis.  I could barely walk for a few days but I’m learning how to treat it.

It’s possible that all this physical labor is causing my brain to short circuit.

Two years ago when I was still drinking at my worst, I would do this back breaking labor knowing that I was going to stop on the way home and buy enough booze to make me pass out cold.  Then get up and repeat. It was what I thought kept me going.  I realize now that I was slowly killing myself.

Thankfully,  my family job is flexible at the times I need it to be for the other job. I’ll have to write more some time about that job.

This post is all over the place. I suppose I better get to sleep so I can wake up and start all over again.  Tomorrow my first thoughts will be of thankfulness for being sober.

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What Sobriety Allows

Taking care of yourself is foreign to most alcoholics. I guess we’re good at making sure we have enough booze and how to make it appear that we aren’t really drinking THAT much (yeah, no one notices that empty half gallon in the recycle bin). These last six months have found me sleeping more, eating better and drinking plenty of water.

I’ve mentioned that I was married for 20 years and drank very little then. My drinking didn’t become a problem until 2.5 years ago. After I’d divorced, I began donating plasma for cash. It’s a little taxing on a healthy body but holy hell on a drinking one. I donate at 5:30am twice a week and my drinking didn’t really allow time for it. Getting up at 4:30 would’ve meant that I may have still been drunk and not really conducive to having the life sucked out of you.

These past six months have allowed me to donate twice a week for the past six months.

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Today I’m thankful that I’m using my body to save lives instead of ruining my own.

Shhh….It’s A Secret

Five months after my last drink and I still haven’t told many people that I’m not drinking. Even if I have told them, I haven’t given them all the horrible details. I just mention in passing that I haven’t had a drink for a long time. I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t told anyone. I hate admitting that I don’t tell anyone because I still have hope that I can someday have a drink. I know this is irrational and downright ridiculous. I’ve been down Moderation Road and it wasn’t a pretty trip. I end up fixated on how many more I have allowed myself. If I can stop myself, I spend the rest of the night in a pissy mood.

Here comes the really stupid part… my step father of 36 of my 45 years is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for 35 years. He’s helped hundreds of people by sponsoring them in AA. That’s not the dumb part. My not telling him that I have a problem is.

My step dad is also my boss. He is the one person in this world that I’ve spent most of my life trying to impress. I never felt loved by him as a child. I was the kid who told him, “You’re not my dad”. I was a bratty nine year old who was devastated by my parent’s divorce and my mother’s remarriage two months later. I never gave him a chance and he never gave me one until I started working for him. So, I’m hesitant to disappoint him. Not to mention that I don’t want him to think I’ve been a bad employee.

I’m not sure how much longer I will wait to talk to him. I really don’t prescribe to the whole 12 Step process. I have no desire to sit in a room with other people judging me. He is a die hard believer that the only way to get sober and stay that way is with AA. I’ve had that pounded into my brain since I was nine. So, I think I’ll keep my secret for now.