The whole episode with the boyfriend has left me feeling more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt. He pulled the one card on me that brought me to my knees.
A little about my past…I once weighed almost 400 pounds. I had gastric bypass surgery 7.5 years ago. I lost over 200 pounds in a very short time. I worked hard to the point of addiction on my diet and exercise. I never drank during this period of weight loss. Over the past couple of years, I’ve put some of the weight back on, more than likely due to alcohol. I’m not where I’d like to be weight wise but consider it amazing that I’ve kept over 150 pounds off. My body is less than perfect. I’ve stretched my physical self more than anyone should. I’m left with hanging skin, although not as much as many who’ve lost that much weight. I’m trying to look at the positive side of things.
Anyway, back to the boyfriend. He has a monthly bi polar schedule. I can almost predict when he’s going to go completely ape shit on me, telling me one minute how he’s never loved anyone as much as me. Then cutting me to shreds in the next breath. He didn’t actually call me fat but in his snit he said that because things weren’t working out between us, he was going to sleep with younger, smaller women. Ouch!
It’s funny how much I let my weight affect my entire mindset. Part of me wants to say, “Fuck It” and drink myself into blackness. At least the bottle doesn’t judge me.
Interestingly, weight loss surgery didn’t slow down my drinking after I set my mind to it. Having your intestines rerouted causes alcohol to be absorbed directly into your bloodstream. It doesn’t hang out in your small stomach. It takes the most direct route to your brain and it happens at lightening speed. Alcohol leaves your system quicker than a normal person. This poses the tricky task of keeping the perfect buzz going. One minute you’re falling down drunk and a bit later you are stone cold sober. I remedied this situation by guzzling buckets of vodka for long periods of time.
So, I’m left here feeling vulnerable with the least amount of self esteem I’ve ever had. Does this mean I’m going to drink? Hell no! I may be fat, but at least I’m not drunk and fat.