Wednesday will be 5 months since I’ve had a drink. Some days it seems like it was yesterday, like when I think of the life altering hangovers. Other days it seems like it’s been years.
I’ve mentioned before that I had gastric bypass surgery almost 8 years ago. I rarely drank then but when I did, it was almost always to excess. Anyway, as an adult, I ate whatever I wanted to eat. I didn’t prescribe to the whole, “I’m eating my emotions” idea. I was a young stay at home mother who rarely had a minute to brush my hair, let alone deal with the emotions of my past. So I grew physically to epic proportions. I weighed nearly 400 pounds 8 years ago. I was physically miserable as I’d tried every diet and could easily lose weight only to gain it back just as quickly as it came off. I made the decision along with my then husband to have surgery. He had his 2 months after mine.
The weight literally fell off. I lost over 100 pounds in the first 4 months. But, I strictly followed the surgeons orders. Whatever I ate was logged in a food diary, even if it was only an olive. I had tunnel vision where my weight loss was concerned. It wasn’t easy, but I knew it was what I needed to do.
It took me 18 months to get to a place where I could physically exercise. I went way overboard with that pretty much like everything else I’ve done in my life. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess. I was walking 9 miles a day or biking 18 miles. I loved this time as it gave me time to get my thoughts together.
Fast forward a couple of years and a divorce later and I was dating. Most dates seemed to have an alcohol tie but I was very good at drinking water to make sure I could drive myself home. I didn’t feel left out from not drinking. I felt in control. I really drank very rarely.
When I met my current boyfriend 4.5 years ago, I was dabbling with drinking but always in controlled situations where I knew I was safe and didn’t have to drive. He was definitely a drinker and it was fun drinking with him. Anyway, that’s a long story to be told on a different day. My point is that my drinking escalated from barely drinking to binge drinking ever other weekend for 3 days at a time. I had transferred my food addiction to an alcohol addiction. You could probably throw a sex addiction in there as well as I had some pretty wild times there too.
I’ve been eating a lot lately. As in binge eating, not really giving a crap what I’m putting in my body eating. I suppose I’ve transferred my alcohol addiction back to food. I need to reign it back in to become an exercise obsession. The problem is that even after 5 months of sobriety, I still don’t have to get up and go that I once did. Maybe it’s my lack of self confidence holding me down. Maybe it’s just plain old laziness. All I know is that I lack the motivation to eat healthily and exercise like I used to.
An aside, I’m not feeling well due to a disease I acquired five years ago that has no cure. The flares have been hitting harder and more often than before I quit drinking. I’ve spent most of today feeling totally miserable and wanting nothing more than to crawl into a bottle so that I don’t have to feel like this. I know that I won’t do that but boy do I want to. Things will get better. They always do.