Looks like it’s going to be the latter. I’ve mentioned that I once weighed almost 400 pounds and lost over 200 after gastric bypass surgery (8 years ago) and an exercise addiction. It would seem that I’m partial to transfer addictions. I went from food to exercise, to sex, to alcohol and I’m right back where I started with food.
I have everything to be happy about. I’m 11 months sober today. Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Both of my daughters are successful college students. Both of my jobs are very busy. All good things, eh?
For some reason I can’t stop stuffing my face. I feel horrendous physically. I’m bloated, puffy, tired and down right fat again. I’m losing the battle and I hate myself for it. I feel myself going into my shell. I look dumpy and frumpy. I know I need to exercise again and I’ve got every excuse in the book not to but my body is screaming at me to wake up before it’s too late. I’m an embarrassment to myself and my family. But I’m sober.
Apparently I’m not that bright when it comes to junk food. I grabbed a Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie on my way out the door this morning to eat on my way home from work. Not just your averaged sized snack, but the ginornous one that’s like 3,456 calories. I tossed it on the seat beside me as I drove to work. I kid you not when I say that bitch was talking to me. I was so taken by the thought of getting her sweet creamy goodness in my mouth that I nearly forgot I was driving.
I proceeded to tell myself how insane it was that I wanted to eat since not more that five minutes before, I was jamming my pie hole with breakfast. My mind was racing with ideas about how I was thinking about that treat like I used to think about vodka.
So, I decided to sit with my feelings until they passed like I would if I had a craving for alcohol. I guess it was more like squirming. I wrestled with why I felt I had to eat it and not long after, the feeling subsided. Why had I never done that before? Normally I don’t give more than a thought about shoveling something in my mouth. I was pretty proud of myself.
So you know what I did? I ate that whore half an hour later.
One addiction at a time…
P.S. Yesterday was 200 days.