365 Days

anniversaryThere never really was a rock bottom other than I knew that I couldn’t continue on with life the way I was living it.  My last days drinking consisted of me being blatoed from Thursday until Saturday night.  I spent most of Saturday in and out of the blackness, fighting with my boyfriend at his apartment as we watched football.  Somewhere around 4 pm I decided that I had better sober up.  This brought about more arguing with my boyfriend and I felt volatile toward the world and it showed.  I spewed hate at the boyfriend deflecting my negative feelings for myself onto him.  He quickly grew tired of my ranting and told me to leave.  This infuriated me more because he knew how much I had been drinking and there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to drive the hour to my house.  I angrily gathered my stuff yelling the entire time and slammed the door behind me.

I had a rental car because mine was being fixed so I was unfamiliar with the vehicle. I decided that I would sleep it off in the parking lot of the apartment complex.  Great place to crash since the building is inhabited by former homeless veterans and is 95% male.  Being that is was the beginning of the month, most had received their state assistance and they were partying it up.   I ended up sleeping for 6 hours and made the decision that I had to go home because it was so cold outside and I was freezing.

I had left the boyfriend’s on several occasions before and all of them included excessive drinking.  Normally when I left, I would drive a block to a factory parking lot and wait it out knowing he would call or text me that he was sorry and wanted me to come back.  He never called or responded to my hate texts that night so I was destined to make the drive.

Driving at night is hard for me when I haven’t been drinking.  I was thankful that I felt sober but looking back, I doubt that six hours of sleeping was enough to get the alcohol out of my system.  I contemplated calling my mom and having her make the drive to get me but I really wasn’t up to her seeing what I’d become.  Thankfully there wasn’t much traffic and the cold air from the window helped keep me alert.  I thank God every single day that I didn’t hit and kill someone that night.  My guardian angel was watching over me for sure.

Once I got home, I crawled into bed and tried to get warm.  I took a Xanax which a doctor had prescribed for me knowing that my anxiety was caused by alcohol.  It was probably not the smartest thing to do but it was the only thing that I knew would help stop the shaking and anxiety after my binge.  I made the decision amidst tossing and turning that I wasn’t going to drink for a long time.

The next morning brought a calm to me.  I didn’t know how I was going to stay sober but I knew I would find a way.  I couldn’t live my life binge drinking.  I apologized profusely to my boyfriend and told him that I was done drinking.  I’m sure he thought I meant for the next couple of weeks like my pattern had showed for the last couple of years.

Being sober was tough for the first 6 months.  Not because I was an everyday drinker but because I realized how much I had looked forward to what binge drinking did for me.  It allowed me to check out completely from life and ignore everything besides the booze.  This was the pattern every other weekend for two years.  I looked forward to spending time with my boyfriend but I realize now that I was really excited about being black out drunk with him.  I knew he would take care of me and even get me more booze when I asked.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes miss those days.

What I don’t miss is the terrifying anxiety that alcohol caused me for a week or more after I stopped drinking on those weekends.  The headaches are gone and there has not been one morning in the last year that I didn’t wake up grateful for being sober.

Every morning after drinking, I’d wake up loathing myself and my life. Not once have I  regretted not drinking this past year. Life is good!

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It’s Gonna Take A While

I was tooling along in my sober car looking at all the fluffy pink clouds and glitter rain when it occurred to me that at nearly 6 months sober, I’ve still got a long row to hoe.  Yes, I’ve endured the dreaded holidays, my birthday and other situations that made me less than thrilled to be the sole sober person.  But the summer brings sun and warmth on the golf course and thoughts of drinking instantly fill me.  Not that I’ve ever boozed it up that much while spanking whitey, but the thought still zoomed through my mind. 

I spent every other weekend last summer completely bombed out of my mind for days at a time.  Booze soaked up the minutes of my life robbing me of truly living.  Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do with my time this summer and it makes me a little nervous.  I have started biking again and hope to keep up.  The city that I live in has an amazing river trail that weaves through the city but it feels like you are in the woods.  It’s so peaceful and I feel alive when I’m there.  I fell off the exercise wagon when I boarded the booze bus.  Riding the booze bus makes one lazy and fat and I’m glad I got off when I did. 

Drinking and golfing don’t mix for me. The boyfriend and I like to golf on a small course that is run by the Veteran’s Administration.  It’s one of the few things that we did outside of drinking.  Most times, we would wake up hung over and hit the course only to stop on the way home and pick up more alcohol.  We sometimes would golf with the managers of the apartment complex where the BF lives.  They are a couple that is about 15 years older than us.  The only time we golfed with them last year I had spent the entire night and morning getting black out drunk.  I have no idea why the BF thought it would be a good idea for me to go golfing when I was not up to par (see what I did there? lol).  I was walking like drunk people do, staggering along because my legs felt so heavy and I propelled my legs ahead of my body.  I’m sure I looked ridiculous.  By the third hole, I had stepped up onto the green before everyone had chipped their balls up.  The BF hit a shot and hit me squarely in the leg causing an immediate goose egg and black bruise.  I tried to laugh it off even though the alcohol wasn’t blocking all the pain.  I was so drunk that I don’t really remember finishing the course.  The management couple didn’t speak to us the rest of the summer.  I felt embarrassed and guilty every time I saw them. 

Hopefully, this summer will be more productive than last.  I have to admit that I’m still thinking about how nice it would be to drink my time away.