One day after being six months sober and I nearly gave in to the voices in my head that were screaming at me to drink. The week exhausted me and I’ve been under the weather with several forces working against me in that area (think terrible two week cold, poison ivy, PMS, auto immune disease flair up and an infection in my finger. I’m falling apart.). Top all of this off with major stress at both jobs and an hour’s drive to think about how great it would be to have a drink to even myself out. Oh, and a boyfriend who still thinks I’m more fun drunk and encourages me to “just have a couple”. I may have never flip flopped so much in my life in such a short time. I felt relief after I was able to pass the first liquor store.
Maybe I’m feeling this way because the 6 month anniversary date went by basically unnoticed with no fan fare. My boyfriend said he was proud of me and maybe deep down he was. I know my not drinking has given him food for thought on his own situation. I haven’t really told anyone other than the boyfriend until recently. I mentioned it to my sister who acted nonchalant but asked if it had helped with my anxiety. I spoke with my mother on the anniversary and made it seem like I had just realized that I hadn’t had a drink in 6 months. I told her I thought I would have lost weight but hadn’t. She was supportive but also quiet. Maybe she was pondering having an alcoholic for a child. This isn’t new territory for her since she married one 36 years ago who now has 35 years of sobriety. Somehow, I just didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I don’t want the ALCOHOLIC label. I just want to be the woman who chooses to be healthier and in control of her life.
All of these things somehow culminated in my head to say it was time to drink even though I was completely aware that it would do nothing for me. I was pissy, especially after driving with the demons in my head, when I got to the boyfriend’s and found out he’d had a few. He said he needed to wind down and that drinking was the only way he could. I growled that I was using my new found sober powers to decompress and not drinking no matter what. And shockingly, things got better while I sat and felt my true feelings without pushing them down. I felt like an adult who made a great decision. Whew!! Anniversary dates are tough.