Reminders To Myself

Early in my sobriety, I had hoped to document some of the reasons I needed to stay sober.  I got caught up in trying to put my thoughts in perfect order and realized that was impossible.  So, I didn’t do it.

I’ve been kidding myself when I thought about how I behaved while drinking. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t that bad. So here is an example of “normal behavior”:

A couple of years ago, my neighbors invited me to have drinks on the patio. Four of us women from the neighborhood got together. I wasn’t really close to any of them but they are a fun group so I thought it would be a good time. I carried my bottle of vodka two doors over and proceeded to down one drink after another. I’m not normally socially anxious in that setting but something was going on because I was obliterated in less than an hour. I remember hugging everyone and telling them how awesome they were like drunk girls do. I was sitting in a folding chair going in and out of blackness when I realized that I couldn’t get out of it without falling. That’s the last thing I remember until hours later when my 18 year old daughter yelled into my bedroom and asked what was in the bathtub. To my horror, I had vomited in the tub and left it. I can only imagine that I must’ve literally crawled home and then realized that I was going to be sick. My apologies to the guys reading for the next comment. The reason I would’ve gotten in the tub is because after having two children, I cannot throw up without wetting my pants. I’m sure in my blacked out mind I thought I was saving myself the mess. My poor daughter cleaned up her mother’s puke. My neighbor called the next day to ask if I was ok. I played it off and was too embarrassed to ask her how I got home. This is totally normal adult behavior, right?

It’s such a relief to wake up every day and not feel panic about what I did or did not do the night before. No more worrying about what I was talking to my mother on the phone about when I was in a black out. I’m one of those perky morning people again thanks to sobriety.