122 Days

The world is still working against me or so it feels like it. Things have only gotten more escalated with the boyfriend. Just when I think there are no more buttons to be pushed, he finds a new one.  

My sobriety is showing me the volatile nature of this relationship. I think  he cares about me somewhere in his heart but he’s too fucked up in his own head and lost in his own alcoholism to care. 

Every morning, I thank God that I wake up sober and not hung over. I’m too busy to waste my life living in the sickness that booze brings me. When it takes you a week to recover from a binge, you need to realize that you’re going nowhere fast.  It only took me 10 months to figure that one out.  I should be grateful that it didn’t take me years to come to this realization. 

This whole sobriety thing is still hard sometimes. I wasn’t an every day boozer. I don’t physically crave alcohol now but there are days that I want to check into the black oblivion that is my heaven and hell. Feeling emotions is tiring. I mean, I’m physically exhausted from my latest round with the boyfriend. So, I’m going to use the only coping mechanism that’s working for me at the moment and go to bed at 7:30 pm.