Meh

Sobriety has me struggling at the moment. Funny how you can be sailing along on calm waters and suddenly you find yourself in the middle of a storm. I’ll weather this one, come hell or high water.

Things are going well for me despite my absence here writing about it. I suppose I’m one of those sober bloggers who only writes when things are crappy or I’m feeling that little niggling in the back of my head. Most of the time I’m proud of the 495 days I have spent consecutively sober. But I assume we all have those moments where your brain is telling you that it’s ok to drink now. You’ve proved you can live without it so go ahead and get that first drink over with.

My dreams are filled with me drinking and not even realizing that I’m not supposed to until after the first few. I wake up confused and then relieved that it was not real.

Everything in my life is in order. I have two healthy smart daughters, food on the table, bills paid and only my mortgage as debt.

My weight has me struggling. I had lost over 200 pounds after weight loss surgery almost 9 years ago and have put back 70 of it. I’m still 130 pounds less than my highest so I’m thankful for that. I know I need to get back out and walk and ride my bike like I did before alcohol took over. It’s time to focus on the rest of my health. 

My second job in agricultural safety is completely insane with a corporate audit coming up next month. I feel like someone took pieces of my job and threw them up in the air and I’m expected to grasp each piece and bring it back into the basket.

My biggest point of concern/contention is my relationship of 5+ years with my boyfriend. He’s basically said he’s waiting for me too drink again. That there’s no way I can stay sober forever. Then he’ll say he is glad that I’m not drinking. He’s spent more than his adult life drinking his time away. I will give him credit for slowing way down on his consumption. He can go a month or more and not drink but the booze calls him back. He becomes very hateful toward me when he drinks. He thinks I’m judging him. I cannot judge anyone because I’ve been right where he is.

These episodes remind me that I don’t deserve to feel unloved because alcohol runs his brain. It pushes me a little further away each time. I love him more than I’ve ever loved any man but I’m coming to the realization that I can’t fix him. I’m barely hanging onto my own sobriety. That’s where I need to put my focus.

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Drunk or Fat?

Looks like it’s going to be the latter. I’ve mentioned that I once weighed almost 400 pounds and lost over 200 after gastric bypass surgery (8 years ago) and an exercise addiction.  It would seem that I’m partial to transfer addictions. I went from food to exercise, to sex, to alcohol and I’m right back where I started with food.

I have everything to be happy about. I’m 11 months sober today. Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Both of my daughters are successful college students. Both of my jobs are very busy. All good things, eh?

For some reason I can’t stop stuffing my face. I feel horrendous physically. I’m bloated, puffy, tired and down right fat again. I’m losing the battle and I hate myself for it. I feel myself going into my shell. I look dumpy and frumpy. I know I need to exercise again and I’ve got every excuse in the book not to but my body is screaming at me to wake up before it’s too late.  I’m an embarrassment to myself and my family. But I’m sober.