The Weight is Over (I hope)

The whole episode with the boyfriend has left me feeling more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt.  He pulled the one card on me that brought me to my knees.

A little about my past…I once weighed almost 400 pounds.  I had gastric bypass surgery 7.5 years ago.  I lost over 200 pounds in a very short time.  I worked hard to the point of addiction on my diet and exercise.  I never drank during this period of weight loss.  Over the past couple of years, I’ve put some of the weight back on, more than likely due to alcohol.  I’m not where I’d like to be weight wise but consider it amazing that I’ve kept over 150 pounds off.  My body is less than perfect. I’ve stretched my physical self more than anyone should.  I’m left with hanging skin, although not as much as many who’ve lost that much weight. I’m trying to look at the positive side of things.

Anyway, back to the boyfriend.  He has a monthly bi polar schedule.  I can almost predict when he’s going to go completely ape shit on me, telling me one minute how he’s never loved anyone as much as me.  Then cutting me to shreds in the next breath.  He didn’t actually call me fat but in his snit he said that because things weren’t working out between us, he was going to sleep with younger, smaller women.  Ouch!

It’s funny how much I let my weight affect my entire mindset.  Part of me wants to say, “Fuck It” and drink myself into blackness.  At least the bottle doesn’t judge me.

Interestingly, weight loss surgery didn’t slow down my drinking after I set my mind to it.  Having your intestines rerouted causes alcohol to be absorbed directly into your bloodstream.  It doesn’t hang out in your small stomach.  It takes the most direct route to your brain and it happens at lightening speed.  Alcohol leaves your system quicker than a normal person.  This poses the tricky task of keeping the perfect buzz going.  One minute you’re falling down drunk and a bit later you are stone cold sober.  I remedied this situation by guzzling buckets of vodka for long periods of time.

So, I’m left here feeling vulnerable with the least amount of self esteem I’ve ever had.  Does this mean I’m going to drink?  Hell no!  I may be fat, but at least I’m not drunk and fat.

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Tears

Again with having to deal with fucking feelings. I’ve been in a relationship for over four years with a man who has clearly not been good for me. He’s an alcoholic, bi polar, veteran, unemployed mess but I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone besides my daughters. He’s spent the last two days pushing every button I have. I’ve resisted the urge to say, “Fuck it!” and give in to the booze hound.

He has been less than supportive of my sobriety. I can only believe it’s because he is losing his drinking buddy. Me being sober forces him to have to look at himself. He doesn’t get why I can’t have a couple of drinks. He thinks he’s in control of his alcohol intake. I told him that if he has to worry about how much he’s drinking and whether he has a problem then he probably does. Normal people don’t sit around and worry about their alcohol consumption.

He says I’m only fun when I’ve had a few drinks. I’m too uptight when I’m sober.  Maybe he’s right but I’m learning that I can be fun without booze.

What I’ve figured out is that right now, I’m never truly happy. I have nothing to look forward to other than my daughters who are both very intelligent and on their way to greatness. They are my only light at the moment.

Being sober has helped me get the courage to realize  that I deserve better and that’s it’s finally time to take care of my own needs after spending the last 25 years tending to others’.

Shitty Day

I found myself on Day 111 thinking hard about about falling off into oblivion yesterday. I just wanted to go to that place where I don’t have to do anything other than get wasted and stay there for days. The proud feelings of my accomplishment were clouded by stress and the need to get out of my own brain.

My first instinct as I drove past the liquor store was to stop and give in. I kept driving and thought to myself, “Just sit with these feelings. They will pass.” Low and behold, they did. The night ended up much better than if I had given in. I treated myself to chocolate, black cherry sparkling water and my boyfriend.

Back Story

I really do wish I could blog and not jump around.  I posted the following as a comment on a blog I stumbled upon.  This blog is so honest in the attempt made by the author to get sober.

“My final straw was a culmination of things over the past two years. I didn’t drink every day. I’m a binge drinker, drinking ever other weekend (when I’m away from my youngest daughter). The propensity to binge drink has always been there but I had periods where I didn’t drink for years.

I was married for 20 years and after divorcing I found that dating always meant drinking. I found a great guy who unfortunately has a drinking problem (my opinion, not his) as well and that’s what we did together for the last 4+ years. We went from sharing a fifth of booze over a 3 day period to the point where we were both drinking a half gallon of hard liquor each over a 24 hour period.

About a year ago, I woke up after a binge with the most horrible case of anxiety. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin just to get away from myself. The hangovers where incredibly debilitating for days if not an entire week after the binges. After figuring out that alcohol was causing my anxiety, I tried moderation to no avail. One drink led to days of blackout drunks. I figured out that if I stayed drunk, the anxiety stayed away.

All of this drinking led to many fights with my boyfriend and since we don’t live together, caused me to drive over an hour back home. I always waited hours before driving but realize now that I was still legally drunk and how lucky I am to not have killed someone with my car.

I got tired of lying to my teenage daughter when she asked how I had bruised myself so badly. I couldn’t tell her that I had no recollection after having been black out drunk for days. It’s a wonder I didn’t break anything other than my pride.”

This is just a little slice of what brought me to this place in my life.  I am again overwhelmed with things I feel like I need to say here and maybe I will. Another day.

 

Day 106

I had great intentions of spewing my first days sober here.  But, like most things, I got overwhelmed with where to start and the idea that no one really cares to read this crap.

Day 100 came and went without any pomp and circumstance.  It was just another work day.  It’s hard to believe it’s been 100 days and then again it seems like years.  I’m thankful that I still have the fear of horrible anxiety ridden hangovers lurking in my brain to keep me straight.  There were many day 1’s for me.  The only reason it stuck this time is because Belle of Tired of Thinking About Drinking saw me struggling as I asked to read her blog in order.  I read sober blogs for about 9 months before Belle sent me an email and asked me if I wanted to join the 100 Day Challenge.  I fought her for a few weeks as I struggled through those early days of sobriety totally alone.  I had no desire to commit to lunch, let alone 100 days without alcohol.  I finally said, “Fuck It!  What have I got to lose?”.  I didn’t really think I’d make it but with her daily encouragement, I did it.  I’ve recommitted to another 80 days for a total of 180 days.

It’s amazing to wake up every day and not feel like crawling out of my own skin.  It’s great to know that I can drive anywhere at any time because I’m not drunk off my ass.  I find something new and amazing every day to marvel over.  I’m able to focus on life around me instead of having my brain taken over by insane alcohol induced anxiety that made me a completly different person.