Trading One Addiction For Another

Wednesday will be 5 months since I’ve had a drink.  Some days it seems like it was yesterday, like when I think of the life altering hangovers. Other days it seems like it’s been years.

I’ve mentioned before that I had gastric bypass surgery almost 8 years ago.  I rarely drank then but when I did, it was almost always to excess.  Anyway, as an adult, I ate whatever I wanted to eat.  I didn’t prescribe to the whole, “I’m eating my emotions” idea.  I was a young stay at home mother who rarely had a minute to brush my hair, let alone deal with the emotions of my past.  So I grew physically to epic proportions.  I weighed nearly 400 pounds 8 years ago.  I was physically miserable as I’d tried every diet and could easily lose weight only to gain it back just as quickly as it came off.  I made the decision along with my then husband to have surgery.  He had his 2 months after mine.

The weight literally fell off.  I lost over 100 pounds in the first 4 months.  But, I strictly followed the surgeons orders.  Whatever I ate was logged in a food diary, even if it was only an olive.  I had tunnel vision where my weight loss was concerned.  It wasn’t easy, but I knew it was what I needed to do.

It took me 18 months to get to a place where I could physically exercise.  I went way overboard with that pretty much like everything else I’ve done in my life.  If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing to excess.  I was walking 9 miles a day or biking 18 miles.  I loved this time as it gave me time to get my thoughts together.

Fast forward a couple of years and a divorce later and I was dating.  Most dates seemed to have an alcohol tie but I was very good at drinking water to make sure I could drive myself home.  I didn’t feel left out from not drinking.  I felt in control.  I really drank very rarely.

When I met my current boyfriend 4.5 years ago, I was dabbling with drinking but always in controlled situations where I knew I was safe and didn’t have to drive.  He was definitely a drinker and it was fun drinking with him.  Anyway, that’s a long story to be told on a different day.  My point is that my drinking escalated from barely drinking to binge drinking ever other weekend for 3 days at a time.  I had transferred my food addiction to an alcohol addiction.  You could probably throw a sex addiction in there as well as I had some pretty wild times there too.

I’ve been eating a lot lately.  As in binge eating, not really giving a crap what I’m putting in my body eating. I suppose I’ve transferred my alcohol addiction back to food.  I need to reign it back in to become an exercise obsession.  The problem is that even after 5 months of sobriety, I still don’t have to get up and go that I once did.  Maybe it’s my lack of self confidence holding me down.  Maybe it’s just plain old laziness.  All I know is that I lack the motivation to eat healthily and exercise like I used to.

An aside, I’m not feeling well due to a disease I acquired five years ago that has no cure.  The flares have been hitting harder and more often than before I quit drinking.  I’ve spent most of today feeling totally miserable and wanting nothing more than to crawl into a bottle so that I don’t have to feel like this. I know that I won’t do that but boy do I want to.  Things will get better.  They always do.

 

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