Side Effects

I’ve been thinking a lot about the side effects of drinking and being sober.  However, I’ve somehow gotten waylay-ed the last few days.  I WANT TO DRINK!!!  I want to be able guzzle down that first drink and feel the numbness as it takes over my entire body.  I want to know that I can stop at 3 drinks.  Here’s what I don’t want: I don’t want to fade away into the black out.  I don’t want to wake up at 2 AM feeling guilt ridden, dehydrated and thirsty only to start the cycle again.  I don’t want to forget what I’ve said the night before.  I don’t want to lose 265 days of sobriety. This entire paragraph sounds like a childish rant.  I guess that’s exactly what it is.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend.  We get along famously until he drinks.  He’s been great about not drinking when he’s at my place.  Last weekend I went to his apartment, my former drinking place where I’ve spent countless weekends completely obliterated.  I’ve stayed away from there because I knew that my “fuck it button” was easily pushed while I’m there.  Anyway, I survived a night with him “having a few beers” as he says.  In reality, he drank 4 tall boys (25 ounces each or 8 regular beers. Compared to our normal 15 each, it was a light night. Side note, what normal drinker has to count others’ drinks?).  Every time he cracked one open, I was reminded that I’ve become the dull girl that I never wanted to be.  I made it through the night and decided to leave the next morning when he cracked a beer at 9:30 AM.  I give him credit because if it had been me drinking, I would’ve had one at 2:30 AM.

We were apart a night and he came to my place the next day.  I don’t allow him to drink at my house and he hasn’t until he asked if he could tonight.  I told him he needed to go home and drink, hoping with all my heart that he would choose to stay with me instead of leaving to drink.  He chose alcohol.  The part that is the most fucked up is that he has been trying to get me to drink knowing how much not drinking has helped me. He bought extra beer last weekend thinking he could entice me to drink.  He said he still misses drinking with me and the fun times we had.  Most of those times were fun only for him.  I don’t remember much after the 3rd drink.

So, I’m pissy and irritated.  I’ve read many blogs about how 9 months seems to be a tough time.  I suppose it’s because your brain tells you that you don’t have a problem.  You’ve gone this long and you’ve learned your lesson.  Thankfully, I’m not listening to that voice because I know what would happen.  The first night I would only have a few and convince myself that I’d been wrong and didn’t have a problem and I’d be so proud of myself.  I’d get up at 2 AM and start drinking all over again beginning the binge drinking cycle that has plagued me for over 2 years.

I know I won’t drink tonight but I also know that I’m unhappy about it.  Tomorrow will come and I’ll be so thankful that I didn’t give in and ruin the last 265 days of sobriety.  Tomorrow can’t come fast enough.

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Lessons

I’m still I’m the belly of the beast, i.e. at my boyfriend’s, which was also my very favorite drinking place. Today is Saturday and I’ve been here since Thursday evening watching my boyfriend continue to drink.

I felt bad for him yesterday as I watched him feel miserable from the previous night’s binge. He tried desperately to feel better but as the day went on, I could see that he was going to drink to make himself feel physically better. Boy can I relate. The cycle of drink then try to sober up only to realize that the easiest thing to do is to drink to get the horrible feelings to go away. The old “hair of the dog” remedy that’s shoved down our throats from the time before we’re even old enough to drink.

I honestly felt horrible watching him sip his beer and watched with fascination as he morphed before my eyes into a completely different person. Was this how I acted when I was drinking?

I went to bed feeling fairly glad that I resisted throwing it all away to feel normal. I say fairly because I hadn’t convinced myself totally.

I woke up at 3:30am to find that he was back to trying to feel good again. Ugh. He knew that I was disappointed. I sat stewing in my own vile feelings of jealousy over not being able to drink. We talked about it and I cried tears of frustration. It’s not supposed to be this hard at 126 days.

I didn’t waste too much time before I got over it and decided that it’s really not my business what he does. I can only control myself and how I react to him even after he told me again how sad he is that I won’t drink with him. He wants the uninhibited me that comes with copious amounts of vodka. It’s pretty hard not to feel self conscious when only one of you is sober and resenting it.

Watching him drink brought some questions to my mind about whether my drinking has to do with him. I’m not blaming him for my drinking problem. But, he has enabled me to drink. I initially started drinking around him because it was easier than dealing with him sober as he drank himself into becoming more of an adolescent. I became his drinking buddy. A buddy that couldn’t keep up with him but tried desperately until I blacked out almost every time I drank in the last 2 years.

My black outs were not because I passed out. It was like I started drinking and the first hour was amazing. I became happy and carefree. The next several hours became a blank even though I’m told that I was awake and participated as though I was aware of my surroundings. After hours of what I can only guess was me falling down and getting really nasty and vile, I would go to bed. A few hours later I was back up with the most horrible anxiety I’d ever experienced. The only way to make it stop was to start drinking again. And so begins the vicious cycle of binge drinking.

I’m realizing that while I’ve always drank too much when I boozed, he is the only factor in my life that makes me want to drink. I don’t have issues at any other time. Again, I’m not blaming him but I’m wondering why I only feel like binge drinking when I’m around him when he’s drinking. We get along very well when we’re both sober.

The question I’m asking myself is what lesson am I supposed to learn by continuing to put myself through this torture? I do know I love him with all my heart. We both know that something in our relationship has to change. I don’t know if it will be him not drinking or me not being part of his life.

Oh, and fuck you, Wolfie!! You’re not going to win. At least not today.

Into The Fire

Today finds me struggling. My favorite drinking place has been my boyfriend’s apartment for the past couple of years. For some reason , I felt safe binge drinking to oblivion for days at a time.

I stayed away for the first few months. I knew I couldn’t handle going there and staying sober. Even the smell reminds me of sickness and anxiety.

Last night I decided to take an early weekend at the boyfriend’s knowing that he wouldn’t drink while I was there. That’s our deal. We’d had a few sober weekends together. I struggled to convince him that we were still fun without booze.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. After two weeks of fighting, I decided that we needed to talk. I made the hour drive after telling him that I was too tired. He was drinking beer when I got there. He had gone and bought it after he thought I wasn’t coming. I was devastated. I wanted to turn around and go home but it was dark and I was exhausted.

The boyfriend said he would only drink two more but continued to drink 4- 25 ounce beers. He admitted that he knew he was wrong. Then later dared me to drink one. I explained that he should have dared me not to.

I resented not being able to drink. I wanted to feel the numbness of oblivion. I was a little pissy but realized after watching him suffer this morning that sobriety is so much better. I woke up refreshed and ready to go.

I’m pretty proud of myself for saying no. I didn’t like it, but I stuck by my guns.