Fuck You, Little Debbie!

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Apparently I’m not that bright when it comes to junk food. I grabbed a Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie on my way out the door this morning to eat on my way home from work. Not just your averaged sized snack, but the ginornous one that’s like 3,456 calories. I tossed it on the seat beside me as I drove to work. I kid you not when I say that bitch was talking to me. I was so taken by the thought of getting her sweet creamy goodness in my mouth that I nearly forgot I was driving.

I proceeded to tell myself how insane it was that I wanted to eat since not more that five minutes before, I was jamming my pie hole with breakfast. My mind was racing with ideas about how I was thinking about that treat like I used to think about vodka.

So, I decided to sit with my feelings until they passed like I would if I had a craving for alcohol. I guess it was more like squirming. I wrestled with why I felt I had to eat it and not long after, the feeling subsided. Why had I never done that before? Normally I don’t give more than a thought about shoveling something in my mouth. I was pretty proud of myself.

So you know what I did? I ate that whore half an hour later.

One addiction at a time…

P.S. Yesterday was 200 days.

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What Sobriety Allows

Taking care of yourself is foreign to most alcoholics. I guess we’re good at making sure we have enough booze and how to make it appear that we aren’t really drinking THAT much (yeah, no one notices that empty half gallon in the recycle bin). These last six months have found me sleeping more, eating better and drinking plenty of water.

I’ve mentioned that I was married for 20 years and drank very little then. My drinking didn’t become a problem until 2.5 years ago. After I’d divorced, I began donating plasma for cash. It’s a little taxing on a healthy body but holy hell on a drinking one. I donate at 5:30am twice a week and my drinking didn’t really allow time for it. Getting up at 4:30 would’ve meant that I may have still been drunk and not really conducive to having the life sucked out of you.

These past six months have allowed me to donate twice a week for the past six months.

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Today I’m thankful that I’m using my body to save lives instead of ruining my own.

Busy Brain

The next two weeks are the busiest I’ve been in years. My youngest daughter is graduating high school. We have some sort of honors recognition every night this week. I’m proud to say we learned recently that she has earned a full ride scholarship to a big ten university due to her hard work and my small income.

I cannot imagine trying to keep everything in order this week if I was hung over. It feels amazing to wake up knowing I can handle what the day will throw at me.

Day 200 is coming up in a few days. I’m feeling stronger than ever in sobriety until I’m tired at the end of the day. Sometimes the thought of numbness creeps into my brain. Escape. It’s mostly when I’ve had a long day. I’m brought back to reality pretty quickly by the sickening thought of an anxiety ridden hangover.

I still haven’t put myself in many situations where people are drinking. My family is pretty much non drinking. We’ve never had booze at family gatherings so that was never an issue. Most of my drinking has been done quietly with my boyfriend of 4 years at his place. That’s really the only time I fight with myself about it.

Anyway, it’s getting late and I  have more on my mind but I’m too tired to type. I’m still catching up with the sober blogs I read. You are all saving me daily.

Reminders To Myself

Early in my sobriety, I had hoped to document some of the reasons I needed to stay sober.  I got caught up in trying to put my thoughts in perfect order and realized that was impossible.  So, I didn’t do it.

I’ve been kidding myself when I thought about how I behaved while drinking. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t that bad. So here is an example of “normal behavior”:

A couple of years ago, my neighbors invited me to have drinks on the patio. Four of us women from the neighborhood got together. I wasn’t really close to any of them but they are a fun group so I thought it would be a good time. I carried my bottle of vodka two doors over and proceeded to down one drink after another. I’m not normally socially anxious in that setting but something was going on because I was obliterated in less than an hour. I remember hugging everyone and telling them how awesome they were like drunk girls do. I was sitting in a folding chair going in and out of blackness when I realized that I couldn’t get out of it without falling. That’s the last thing I remember until hours later when my 18 year old daughter yelled into my bedroom and asked what was in the bathtub. To my horror, I had vomited in the tub and left it. I can only imagine that I must’ve literally crawled home and then realized that I was going to be sick. My apologies to the guys reading for the next comment. The reason I would’ve gotten in the tub is because after having two children, I cannot throw up without wetting my pants. I’m sure in my blacked out mind I thought I was saving myself the mess. My poor daughter cleaned up her mother’s puke. My neighbor called the next day to ask if I was ok. I played it off and was too embarrassed to ask her how I got home. This is totally normal adult behavior, right?

It’s such a relief to wake up every day and not feel panic about what I did or did not do the night before. No more worrying about what I was talking to my mother on the phone about when I was in a black out. I’m one of those perky morning people again thanks to sobriety.

A Flurry Of Activity

Work has been insanely busy and I haven’t had time to think much about my sobriety. Working two jobs is getting the better of me as this is the busiest time of the year at both.

Today I worked 11 hours outside in 87° temperatures. I wasn’t supposed to work outside today so I was unprepared. No hat or sunscreen. I was literally baking in the sun. We had the hardest winter of my life and my body is still acclimated to below zero temps. It was strange to have the sun on my face after six months of horrible weather.

Anyway, I realized on my way home from work that I wasn’t completely exhausted after an 11 hour day. I was actually in a great mood and still am. This would not have been the case six months ago. I would’ve bought wine on my way home and drank my dinner.

When I got home, I started the grill outside as the neighbors waived and remarked about the beautiful day. They offered me a beer. I chuckled and said that I’d better stick to water after a long hot day in the sun. I didn’t even have a fleeting thought about accepting the drink. 

My calender is bursting with activities for the next few weeks. My youngest daughter is graduating from high school and my oldest, who is a Senior in college, will be visiting home from 500 miles away.

There’s so much to do that I’m overwhelmed most days. I’ve always seen obstacles as challenges and looked for ways to overcome them. I stopped when I was drinking. Today, I’m facing challenges head on with a clear head.

Almost

One day after being six months sober and I nearly gave in to the voices in my head that were screaming at me to drink. The week exhausted me and I’ve been under the weather with several forces working against me in that area (think terrible two week cold, poison ivy, PMS, auto immune disease flair up and an infection in my finger. I’m falling apart.). Top all of this off with major stress at both jobs and an hour’s drive to think about how great it would be to have a drink to even myself out. Oh, and a boyfriend who still thinks I’m more fun drunk and encourages me to “just have a couple”. I may have never flip flopped so much in my life in such a short time. I felt relief after I was able to pass the first liquor store.

Maybe I’m feeling this way because the 6 month anniversary date went by basically unnoticed with no fan fare. My boyfriend said he was proud of me and maybe deep down he was. I know my not drinking has given him food for thought on his own situation. I haven’t really told anyone other than the boyfriend until recently. I mentioned it to my sister who acted nonchalant but asked if it had helped with my anxiety. I spoke with my mother on the anniversary and made it seem like I had just realized that I hadn’t had a drink in 6 months. I told her I thought I would have lost weight but hadn’t. She was supportive but also quiet. Maybe she was pondering having an alcoholic for a child. This isn’t new territory for her since she married one 36 years ago who now has 35 years of sobriety. Somehow, I just didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I don’t want the ALCOHOLIC label. I just want to be the woman who chooses to be healthier and in control of her life.

All of these things somehow culminated in my head to say it was time to drink even though I was completely aware that it would do nothing for me. I was pissy, especially after driving with the demons in my head, when I got to the boyfriend’s and found out he’d had a few. He said he needed to wind down and that drinking was the only way he could. I growled that I was using my new found sober powers to decompress and not drinking no matter what. And shockingly, things got better while I sat and felt my true feelings without pushing them down. I felt like an adult who made a great decision. Whew!! Anniversary dates are tough.

180 days

Well, I made it! Hard to believe six months have gone by since my last drink. Then in some sense it feels like a lifetime. 

Here’s the obligatory short list of why my life doesn’t suck:

*  Waking up without a hangover is         reason enough.

* I can drive anywhere at anytime because I’m not drunk. 

* My teen daughter respects me.

* My mind is clear to think about anything other than when my next drink is.

* Both of my jobs have provided future opportunities that would not exist had I been focused on drinking. 

* I actually think I’m starting to like myself. 

A special thank you to Belle for her persistence in getting me to become accountable for my sobriety. Without her help I’d be right back to square one.

I’m going to soldier on and continue my sober journey by not drinking today.