Drunk or Fat?

Looks like it’s going to be the latter. I’ve mentioned that I once weighed almost 400 pounds and lost over 200 after gastric bypass surgery (8 years ago) and an exercise addiction.  It would seem that I’m partial to transfer addictions. I went from food to exercise, to sex, to alcohol and I’m right back where I started with food.

I have everything to be happy about. I’m 11 months sober today. Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary with my boyfriend. Both of my daughters are successful college students. Both of my jobs are very busy. All good things, eh?

For some reason I can’t stop stuffing my face. I feel horrendous physically. I’m bloated, puffy, tired and down right fat again. I’m losing the battle and I hate myself for it. I feel myself going into my shell. I look dumpy and frumpy. I know I need to exercise again and I’ve got every excuse in the book not to but my body is screaming at me to wake up before it’s too late.  I’m an embarrassment to myself and my family. But I’m sober.

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11 thoughts on “Drunk or Fat?

  1. Arrgh! It’s half past nine and I’ve got to get to bed but I’m going to respond to this. I simply must. But I’ve got to do it on a good night’s sleep and at least one cup of coffee. God bless you richly for your honesty, kiddo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Having been on both sides of the fat coin, I’m well aware of how people treat others based on size. After losing all that weight, people who had watched as they allowed doors to literally slam in my face clamored to hold the door for me. Men who would never look me in the eye were suddenly falling all over themselves to talk to me.

      My step dad who is also my boss and 36 years sober has always had an issue with overweight people including me. He was suddenly proud to be seen with me after my weight loss. Now that I’ve gained some back, he is treating me like he’s embarrassed to be seen with me.

      I’ve been told that I have the face. An old boyfriend told me it was a shame he couldn’t put my head on his current wife’s body.

      Society tells me that I’m an embarrassment based on their lack of acceptance of body differences. If you’re not a size 0 and flawless, you need to change everything about yourself.

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  2. Okay, the dog has been walked and is down for her nap. Everyone’s out of the house. Just settled down in front of the laptop with my second cup of coffee and have been thinking (and praying) about how best to respond to your obviously pain-filled post without getting into my entire life story. And today’s your lucky day. I’m just going to tell you about my sister.

    A little background first: My brother, sister and I were born into an alcoholic family. No surprise, then, that we were inclined that way. But addiction cropped up in a number of ways in our lives, as well. My brother came back from Vietnam with a raging drug addiction. My sister had a food addiction that seemed to arrange itself around every marriage she had. And I had a sex addiction that exhibited itself in pretty much every way imaginable. I was even in the gay lifestyle for a number of years. But this is not about that.

    My sister Kathy would struggle mightily with food. She is tall (5’4″) to begin with, and I would see her go from 150 to 400…and take it off… and put it on… and take it off… and put it on. She would experience profound weight gains every time she married. I need to add here that broken people are always attracted to healthy people, but healthy people know better, right? So broken people are then drawn to broken people, and they just feed off each other’s wounds. So Kathy would marry these wounded men and it would just devastate her.

    Finally she had bariatric surgery and she lost all that weight and got back to just a beautiful weight. But unlike my brother and me, she never dealt with the inner wounds of growing up in an alcoholic family. So she never dealt with what all is underneath her addiction. And she never dealt with her lack of self-worth and why she was marrying unhealthy men.

    Instead, she simply cut herself off from my brother and me after our mother died four years ago. That’s an easier was for her to deal with her pain, I guess. The last I was able to determine, she has moved from San Diego to somewhere in Pennsylvania. She’s still drinking. She’s still eating. And she’s dreadfully unhealthy.

    You’re so much better than this. I don’t even know you and yet I know this much. You’re better than this. Breathe in. Breathe out. And decide for yourself what you want your life to really be like.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can relate to your sister’s story. Thank you for sharing it with me. Gravitating toward unhealthy relationships is definitely something I see myself doing. I think my hope is always that I can fix the other person. Once I realize it’s not possible, I throw my hands in air and become complacent and unhappy.

      The human goal is life is to be happy. If only it were that simple.

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  3. No, dear one. I would gently challenge you. The goal in life is certainly not to be merely happy. Happiness is nothing more than a temporary internal feeling based on a temporary external condition. I would say the goal in life is to be joyful. Joy is a permanent internal and eternal condition based on a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. A dictionary definition of happiness is “a state of well-being, a pleasurable or satisfying experience.” The definition of the word “rejoice,” from which our word “joy” comes, is “to feel great delight, to welcome or to be glad.” Depending on the translation, the Bible uses the words “happy” and “happiness” about 30 times, while “joy” and “rejoice” appear over 300 times. The Bible teaches that happiness is fleeting because it simply depends on things outside of ourselves, but true joy is eternal because it is based on our relationship with Jesus Christ, which is itself an everlasting source of joy.

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  4. Sorry. My bad. I was just trying to say this is more about your heart than anything. It’s not about your weight, anymore than it’s about drinking. The bad part about comments is they come across rather harshly. I do apologize.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I didn’t take offense to your comment at all. In fact, I read it several times and took it in. I feel it is spot on and honestly how I feel. We are in control of how we choose to feel and respond to what life throws at us.

      I don’t normally feel as depressed as I have been lately. This too shall pass as I choose to live a joyful life.

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  5. Phoenix says:

    Hi VG
    I read this post and the comments after. First off, congratulations on so many levels: 11 month anniversary, hubby anniversary, and for raising two beautiful children. 🙂

    Since last I’ve blogged I’ve been doing a lot of research on addiction and the different things we become addicted to, alco, cigarettes, sugar, coffee, sex, exercise, etc. The fault never truly lies with us, it’s all chemistry baby. I’m writing a post about this but will try to summarize tonight for you.

    1. Emotional triggers, when misunderstood and ignored, naturally lead us to use devices or vices to deal with those emotions. Those soothers, as listed above and more, stimulate certain chemical reactions in our brains and bodies and we ‘feel better’. Which can lead to:

    2. Creating a habit. Let’s remove alcohol, cigarettes, sex and exercise from the equation, we are still left with coffee and sugar, two substances which are as addictive and habit forming as alcohol. In fact the chemicals produced in the brain are very similar.

    I’ve put on 20 pounds since I quit drinking and smoking in February, but in the last three months I’ve picked up coffee when I’ve been a green tea drinker for the better part of a decade. The good thing is that we can kick the coffee habit over a 48 hour period. The little problem I created for myself was adding sugar to my coffee. That sugar, also noticeably missing from my diet for years, was little by little increasing in quantity. Cookies, cake, etc. Fruits and veggies which made up the majority of my usual diet were traded for coffee with sugar or apple pie and ice-cream. And my portion sizes have doubled since February.

    Even as I tell you all of this I am very aware that I stuff myself just because I think it ‘feels’ good, not because I’m hungry. I snack all day. Especially on the days when life feels a little rough. But I do try. I sit with green tea close by and keep telling myself to go to the gym or at least do squats or something at home. I will get around to it.

    But enough about me. That’s way too much about me actually. I just want you to know you are not alone. The fact that you are trying to address this is good. Awareness is always 75% of the battle in my book.

    Liked by 1 person

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