I realized on my way to work this morning that I no longer loathe Mondays. I’m not saying I rejoice upon waking on Mondays but life sure has gotten easier not having to deal with drinking. Most of my weekends were spent black out drunk for days. The only way I could make myself feel physically better was to drink some more. I would wake up Sunday morning at 2:30 AM and think that I was not going to drink. That usually lasted about an hour after dealing with dry heaves, sweating, shaking and all out anxiety. So, I’d drink one drink which made me feel slightly better so I’d have another. This was the perfect cure…for about an hour and a half. Then the cycle began all over. So, Sunday was spent trying to feel human again. I usually ended up drinking way too much because as we all know, one is too many and a hundred’s not enough.
By the time Monday rolled around, I knew I had to get myself together so I could get to work. On the days I did make it, I was a mess. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror and wondered what other people saw and thought of me. Could people tell that I felt like someone was stirring my insides with a stick, including my brain? I couldn’t eat and could barely hold down water. I realize now that I was in severe dehydration. Having not eaten for 3 days doesn’t do wonders for your electrolytes and insulin levels.
It took me 5-7 days to start feeling normal after these binges. But, once I did feel better, the booze called to me. I convinced myself that I would do things differently next time. I would drink lots of water and eat while gobbling copious amounts of vitamin B12. I would pace myself and only drink one drink an hour. This brought me right back to lying on the bathroom floor hoping that the world will stop spinning so I could get off.
I patted myself on the back for not drinking because the thought did cross my mind on Saturday. The thought was fleeting, but it was there none the less. Today I realized that so much of my life has become less complicated because of sobriety.