Side Effects Part Deux

I made it through another rough patch and I’m still sober. Whew! Waiting out those feelings really does work no matter how unpleasant it feels. Feeling is the key I suppose since I block those feelings by drinking normally.

Anyway, on to my side effects list.

Side effects of drinking

° The first couple of drinks are relaxing then I go into black out and have absolutely no clue what is going on for hours at a time. I’ve awakened with bruises so black it’s a wonder I didn’t hemorrhage. How I never broke a bone or my teeth is a miracle.

°Regretting things I’ve done while drinking. Like the time I passed out in front of a friend’s mobile home and bent the skirting. I can only imagine how many people drove by and saw me lying slumped over in front of his place sprawled all over in the middle of the afternoon.

° Passing out after 3 drinks but continuing to drink the second my eyes open.

° Missing work on Monday because I’ve been on a 3 day bender and can’t handle the anxiety that these binges cause.

° Wondering how many people know my secret.

° Worrying if I have enough alcohol to see me into oblivion and if there’s a little extra to “help” my hangover.

° Missing some of my daughters’ activities because I chose drinking instead of them.

° Having lengthy phone conversations with my mother and not remember any of it. Then wondering how wasted I sounded to her.

° Sleeping in my car in empty parking lots because I was so obnoxious that my boyfriend kicked me out and I was too drunk to drive.

° Being embarrassed in front of my daughters.

° Thinking that I am actually sexy and acting on it. Going so far as to allow pictures to be taken that I would never have allowed when sober.

° Self hated and lack of confidence.

Benefits of Sobriety

° Waking up without a hangover. I can’t express how grateful I am when I open my eyes in the morning and feel amazing. No remorse or regret.

° Saving money. It makes me ill to think about how much money I wasted on booze.

° Not missing a day of work in almost 9 months.

° Work opportunities knocking on my door because I’m able to focus on my jobs instead of when I’m having my next drink.

° Knowing that I can drive a car at anytime of the day or night. Knowing that I can be there to help anyone who is in need.

° A clean and organized house and yard.

° Taking advantage of every single day because I’m not wasting my life being sloth like.

° Feeling in control of my mind and body at all times.

° Being a good role model for both of my daughters.

° Learning to love myself despite my faults.

If you can get a little bit of sobriety under your belt you will see that there is so much more to life. I’m still a work in progress but I’m a lot better off than I was 9 months ago.


Side Effects

I’ve been thinking a lot about the side effects of drinking and being sober.  However, I’ve somehow gotten waylay-ed the last few days.  I WANT TO DRINK!!!  I want to be able guzzle down that first drink and feel the numbness as it takes over my entire body.  I want to know that I can stop at 3 drinks.  Here’s what I don’t want: I don’t want to fade away into the black out.  I don’t want to wake up at 2 AM feeling guilt ridden, dehydrated and thirsty only to start the cycle again.  I don’t want to forget what I’ve said the night before.  I don’t want to lose 265 days of sobriety. This entire paragraph sounds like a childish rant.  I guess that’s exactly what it is.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend.  We get along famously until he drinks.  He’s been great about not drinking when he’s at my place.  Last weekend I went to his apartment, my former drinking place where I’ve spent countless weekends completely obliterated.  I’ve stayed away from there because I knew that my “fuck it button” was easily pushed while I’m there.  Anyway, I survived a night with him “having a few beers” as he says.  In reality, he drank 4 tall boys (25 ounces each or 8 regular beers. Compared to our normal 15 each, it was a light night. Side note, what normal drinker has to count others’ drinks?).  Every time he cracked one open, I was reminded that I’ve become the dull girl that I never wanted to be.  I made it through the night and decided to leave the next morning when he cracked a beer at 9:30 AM.  I give him credit because if it had been me drinking, I would’ve had one at 2:30 AM.

We were apart a night and he came to my place the next day.  I don’t allow him to drink at my house and he hasn’t until he asked if he could tonight.  I told him he needed to go home and drink, hoping with all my heart that he would choose to stay with me instead of leaving to drink.  He chose alcohol.  The part that is the most fucked up is that he has been trying to get me to drink knowing how much not drinking has helped me. He bought extra beer last weekend thinking he could entice me to drink.  He said he still misses drinking with me and the fun times we had.  Most of those times were fun only for him.  I don’t remember much after the 3rd drink.

So, I’m pissy and irritated.  I’ve read many blogs about how 9 months seems to be a tough time.  I suppose it’s because your brain tells you that you don’t have a problem.  You’ve gone this long and you’ve learned your lesson.  Thankfully, I’m not listening to that voice because I know what would happen.  The first night I would only have a few and convince myself that I’d been wrong and didn’t have a problem and I’d be so proud of myself.  I’d get up at 2 AM and start drinking all over again beginning the binge drinking cycle that has plagued me for over 2 years.

I know I won’t drink tonight but I also know that I’m unhappy about it.  Tomorrow will come and I’ll be so thankful that I didn’t give in and ruin the last 265 days of sobriety.  Tomorrow can’t come fast enough.

It’s Not Always Easy

Yesterday marked 8 months alcohol free. I didn’t even remember until I went to bed. My bedtime routine is to meditate by thinking about all the ways I am blessed. I fall asleep thankful that I’m sober and wake up grateful not to have a hangover.

I had some rough spots last week. Stress is my trigger to make me long for the numbness of a black out drunk. While having lunch with my 35 years sober boss/AA touting step father, something made me decide to tell him that I had 8 months of not drinking. He nodded and said, “great”. I didn’t make it seem like it was a big deal because part of me still thinks that I’ll drink again even though I know it’s poison that would eventually kill me. That’s pretty messed up.

The boyfriend has been trying to stop drinking. He’s successful for about 21 days and then decides he doesn’t have a problem and goes back to drinking. I’ve gotten much better at keeping his problems his and my problems my own. I’m having a hard enough time fighting my own battles.