At nearly two years sober, my brain has decided to take a vacation. I’ve been having trouble stringing a complete sentence together these last few days. I’m chalking it up to peri menopause. I’m nearly 47 and assume that it won’t be long before I begin that journey.
I felt like I had my life more together when I was drinking. I suppose that’s because I had to work at making my life look organized.
My divorce has been final now for 6 years. I spent most of the 20 years I was married staying home with my daughters. I worked cleaning houses and did other odd jobs when my then husband had mornings or days off. My girls never went to daycare and I pride myself on how well rounded and intelligent they are. Their teachers always remarked about their manners and educational abilities being well above their age groups. I’ve nothing against daycare and realize it’s something almost all families have to do in order to make a living. I consider our family blessed because of the time we spent together.
Because I chose to raise our daughters, I never finished my education. I’ve worked in our family business as a graphic designer for the last 14 years. I truly enjoy my work there. After the divorce, I had to take on a second job. I fell into a part time position with one of the largest agricultural companies in the world as a safety technician (having no prior experience) for a research site. I’ve been there almost 6 years and feel I am doing a pretty great job. My supervisor tells people he wishes he had 10 of me. He can’t however, give me a full time job because I don’t have a degree.
I’ve spent the last 6 years inserting myself into learning jobs other than my own in an attempt to make myself irreplaceable. If it comes my way, I’m going to learn it. Everything from weekly office cleaning, yard care, becoming certified to train people for forklift operation, handling all of the occupational health pograms, hand labor in the fields and labs and also anything my job description requires. All this while also running the family business, sometimes from a corn field. I have no idea how I managed all of this while suffering debilitating hangovers.
The last three weeks have been tough on me physically. I’ve been working 50+ hours with only one day off a week. I’ve been working at hand harvesting crops for research which entails back breaking work and walking around 6.5 miles in a day. We have now moved on to machine harvest where we must take field notes before the crops are taken off. During this time, my foot decided to have plantar facitis. I could barely walk for a few days but I’m learning how to treat it.
It’s possible that all this physical labor is causing my brain to short circuit.
Two years ago when I was still drinking at my worst, I would do this back breaking labor knowing that I was going to stop on the way home and buy enough booze to make me pass out cold. Then get up and repeat. It was what I thought kept me going. I realize now that I was slowly killing myself.
Thankfully, my family job is flexible at the times I need it to be for the other job. I’ll have to write more some time about that job.
This post is all over the place. I suppose I better get to sleep so I can wake up and start all over again. Tomorrow my first thoughts will be of thankfulness for being sober.