678 Days

I need to let that ^ sink in a bit. I haven’t been here to read or write. I have recurring dreams that I’m drinking only to wake up terrified and then relieved.

Being sober lately has brought me to the realization that my not drinking is keeping other people away. I think it has something to do with them seeing me and not liking what they see about their own drinking. I don’t talk to anyone about not drinking. It makes them squirm. That’s never my intention. I’ve got my own issues to deal with.

I’m still in a nearly six year relationship with no real commitment other than saying we like being together. (It’s my decision not to marry or live together.) He is a bi polar alcoholic but I love him dearly. He claims that my sobriety has helped him drink less. He makes it about 28 days and it all comes crashing down. He finally admitted to me that he believes he may have a problem. You’d think that after 2 stints in rehab (many years ago) and a couple of DUI’s, you might realize you may have a problem.

He doesn’t drink around me which is good because he is my trigger to want to drink. We drank the first four years of our relationship away. He was my best drinking buddy. I rarely drank before him. I’m not blaming him. He was a gateway for me. I will say that when I did drink before him, it was almost always to excess but may have been once a year instead of every other weekend.

He’s spent the last 3 weekends choosing booze over me and that feels pretty shitty. The only time he shows positive attention is when he drinks. Part of me wants to enjoy that but the other part knows these are not his true feelings. He’s been drinking during the week (I should point out that we don’t live together because I can’t deal with this exact issue) and trying to hide it. I have to keep repeating, “Not my circus. Not my monkey.” He can’t get far enough into sobriety to see it’s benefits. I’ve been there. Wanting to break free but something always pulls you back.

I tell myself that maybe I’ll drink again someday but know I can never be a normal drinker. I’m thankful to still have a clear memory of the feelings of self loathing and the physical pain of hangovers. So for today, I’m not drinking. Lather, rinse, repeat.

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4 thoughts on “678 Days

  1. I hope you don’t mind me commenting. Addictions are complicated and the more days and time that go by the more I think healing becomes about who we are. We begin to see how and why we became addcited. We are still the same weak person yet stronger and capable of being so much more. Healing was so much easier in the beginning of my recovery. I could just focus on the food and weight and take a pill or two or three. But now I don’t and I’m just left with myself and I have to feel. Feeling should be easy but it is a massive undertaking. I am left with relationships that either no longer fit or maybe I’ve grown and they haven’t. I don’t have anything in common anymore or maybe I do and I don’t know it. Possibly I messed everything up so badly when broke down that my life and relationships are beyond repair. It’s a lot to figure out and staying present and in this moment isn’t always very easy. I don’t know. I just needed to comment that I related on some distant level. And 678 days….well, smile because you’ve come a long way!

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    • Thank you for this! I find myself ambivalent (ha) about feeling. I know I need to deal with it to get better but add you know, feelings hurt. I’m tired of worrying about other’s feelings. I need to focus on mine. But, that’s not who I am. I’m a fixer and want everyone to feel great.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate so much to this post and the comment from ambivalencegirl. Sobriety does change us, and while it’s possible to keep our old relationships, they don’t fit the same. I liked the ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’ line bc it’s funny and true, but still impossible to control. Perhaps we just need to hang in there, be patient, and keep doing the one thing we know gives so much in return. Lather, rinse, repeat. Beautiful post.

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  3. I’m glad that you are not drinking today! 🙂 I too have outgrown relationships in my sober life, though sometime I’ll have a pity party and still feel lonely for these people who usually choose booze over me. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this with your SO. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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