I need to let that ^ sink in a bit. I haven’t been here to read or write. I have recurring dreams that I’m drinking only to wake up terrified and then relieved.
Being sober lately has brought me to the realization that my not drinking is keeping other people away. I think it has something to do with them seeing me and not liking what they see about their own drinking. I don’t talk to anyone about not drinking. It makes them squirm. That’s never my intention. I’ve got my own issues to deal with.
I’m still in a nearly six year relationship with no real commitment other than saying we like being together. (It’s my decision not to marry or live together.) He is a bi polar alcoholic but I love him dearly. He claims that my sobriety has helped him drink less. He makes it about 28 days and it all comes crashing down. He finally admitted to me that he believes he may have a problem. You’d think that after 2 stints in rehab (many years ago) and a couple of DUI’s, you might realize you may have a problem.
He doesn’t drink around me which is good because he is my trigger to want to drink. We drank the first four years of our relationship away. He was my best drinking buddy. I rarely drank before him. I’m not blaming him. He was a gateway for me. I will say that when I did drink before him, it was almost always to excess but may have been once a year instead of every other weekend.
He’s spent the last 3 weekends choosing booze over me and that feels pretty shitty. The only time he shows positive attention is when he drinks. Part of me wants to enjoy that but the other part knows these are not his true feelings. He’s been drinking during the week (I should point out that we don’t live together because I can’t deal with this exact issue) and trying to hide it. I have to keep repeating, “Not my circus. Not my monkey.” He can’t get far enough into sobriety to see it’s benefits. I’ve been there. Wanting to break free but something always pulls you back.
I tell myself that maybe I’ll drink again someday but know I can never be a normal drinker. I’m thankful to still have a clear memory of the feelings of self loathing and the physical pain of hangovers. So for today, I’m not drinking. Lather, rinse, repeat.