I’ve been thinking a lot about the side effects of drinking and being sober. However, I’ve somehow gotten waylay-ed the last few days. I WANT TO DRINK!!! I want to be able guzzle down that first drink and feel the numbness as it takes over my entire body. I want to know that I can stop at 3 drinks. Here’s what I don’t want: I don’t want to fade away into the black out. I don’t want to wake up at 2 AM feeling guilt ridden, dehydrated and thirsty only to start the cycle again. I don’t want to forget what I’ve said the night before. I don’t want to lose 265 days of sobriety. This entire paragraph sounds like a childish rant. I guess that’s exactly what it is.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend. We get along famously until he drinks. He’s been great about not drinking when he’s at my place. Last weekend I went to his apartment, my former drinking place where I’ve spent countless weekends completely obliterated. I’ve stayed away from there because I knew that my “fuck it button” was easily pushed while I’m there. Anyway, I survived a night with him “having a few beers” as he says. In reality, he drank 4 tall boys (25 ounces each or 8 regular beers. Compared to our normal 15 each, it was a light night. Side note, what normal drinker has to count others’ drinks?). Every time he cracked one open, I was reminded that I’ve become the dull girl that I never wanted to be. I made it through the night and decided to leave the next morning when he cracked a beer at 9:30 AM. I give him credit because if it had been me drinking, I would’ve had one at 2:30 AM.
We were apart a night and he came to my place the next day. I don’t allow him to drink at my house and he hasn’t until he asked if he could tonight. I told him he needed to go home and drink, hoping with all my heart that he would choose to stay with me instead of leaving to drink. He chose alcohol. The part that is the most fucked up is that he has been trying to get me to drink knowing how much not drinking has helped me. He bought extra beer last weekend thinking he could entice me to drink. He said he still misses drinking with me and the fun times we had. Most of those times were fun only for him. I don’t remember much after the 3rd drink.
So, I’m pissy and irritated. I’ve read many blogs about how 9 months seems to be a tough time. I suppose it’s because your brain tells you that you don’t have a problem. You’ve gone this long and you’ve learned your lesson. Thankfully, I’m not listening to that voice because I know what would happen. The first night I would only have a few and convince myself that I’d been wrong and didn’t have a problem and I’d be so proud of myself. I’d get up at 2 AM and start drinking all over again beginning the binge drinking cycle that has plagued me for over 2 years.
I know I won’t drink tonight but I also know that I’m unhappy about it. Tomorrow will come and I’ll be so thankful that I didn’t give in and ruin the last 265 days of sobriety. Tomorrow can’t come fast enough.