Side Effects

I’ve been thinking a lot about the side effects of drinking and being sober.  However, I’ve somehow gotten waylay-ed the last few days.  I WANT TO DRINK!!!  I want to be able guzzle down that first drink and feel the numbness as it takes over my entire body.  I want to know that I can stop at 3 drinks.  Here’s what I don’t want: I don’t want to fade away into the black out.  I don’t want to wake up at 2 AM feeling guilt ridden, dehydrated and thirsty only to start the cycle again.  I don’t want to forget what I’ve said the night before.  I don’t want to lose 265 days of sobriety. This entire paragraph sounds like a childish rant.  I guess that’s exactly what it is.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend.  We get along famously until he drinks.  He’s been great about not drinking when he’s at my place.  Last weekend I went to his apartment, my former drinking place where I’ve spent countless weekends completely obliterated.  I’ve stayed away from there because I knew that my “fuck it button” was easily pushed while I’m there.  Anyway, I survived a night with him “having a few beers” as he says.  In reality, he drank 4 tall boys (25 ounces each or 8 regular beers. Compared to our normal 15 each, it was a light night. Side note, what normal drinker has to count others’ drinks?).  Every time he cracked one open, I was reminded that I’ve become the dull girl that I never wanted to be.  I made it through the night and decided to leave the next morning when he cracked a beer at 9:30 AM.  I give him credit because if it had been me drinking, I would’ve had one at 2:30 AM.

We were apart a night and he came to my place the next day.  I don’t allow him to drink at my house and he hasn’t until he asked if he could tonight.  I told him he needed to go home and drink, hoping with all my heart that he would choose to stay with me instead of leaving to drink.  He chose alcohol.  The part that is the most fucked up is that he has been trying to get me to drink knowing how much not drinking has helped me. He bought extra beer last weekend thinking he could entice me to drink.  He said he still misses drinking with me and the fun times we had.  Most of those times were fun only for him.  I don’t remember much after the 3rd drink.

So, I’m pissy and irritated.  I’ve read many blogs about how 9 months seems to be a tough time.  I suppose it’s because your brain tells you that you don’t have a problem.  You’ve gone this long and you’ve learned your lesson.  Thankfully, I’m not listening to that voice because I know what would happen.  The first night I would only have a few and convince myself that I’d been wrong and didn’t have a problem and I’d be so proud of myself.  I’d get up at 2 AM and start drinking all over again beginning the binge drinking cycle that has plagued me for over 2 years.

I know I won’t drink tonight but I also know that I’m unhappy about it.  Tomorrow will come and I’ll be so thankful that I didn’t give in and ruin the last 265 days of sobriety.  Tomorrow can’t come fast enough.

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One thought on “Side Effects

  1. E. Lowe says:

    First let me say CONGRATS ON 9 MONTHS SOBER! It may feel like forever but you have a long way to go and it gets so much easier as time goes on! Today marks 3 years sober from alcohol for me and I decided to do some googling on this type of stuff since it has been a while since I had last. I came across a blog which led me to another blog which led me here. I was intrigued when I started reading all of the negatives you experienced while drinking because I definitely can relate. I had a similar situation particularly with this blog post. It made me sad to read about your boyfriend not being respectful of your sobriety and even having the audacity to offer you the one thing that can kill you. I hope you realize that you and your sobriety are the utmost important thing in your life and anything that gets in the way should be put to the side (my opinion). Not trying to say he is getting in your way but he is NOT making it easier by constantly tempting you. I can relate to this because my now husband (and BTW there could be a good ending to this) and I were like a tornado during our drinking days- I had the official problem with alcohol but he liked to drink as well- for the first 2 years we were on & off because we were blackout drunk every night, I was usually trying to claw his eyes out for no reason, etc we just couldn’t get it together. But we would have brief sober days and would know yes this IS the person I want to be with so the alcohol IS the problem. Anyways long story short my alcoholism got really bad and after completing a 30 day rehab I went straight back to him and the same lifestyle he was living thinking I could just be different and everything would be okay. Wrong. He too thought that only ‘a couple beers’ (since I was a vodka/liquor girl) would be okay and I could just dip my toes in it just for a couple nights of fun because I, too was no fun when sober. NOPE.. so basically all it took was for him to offer me a drink and I was once again hooked worse than before. About a month of this went on and I was pretty much on my death bed. I went to rehab again for 30 days and when I got out this time I went to live at a sober living facility. I learned in rehab that I am the only one who can fix my problem AND once declared an alcohol pretty much always declared an alcoholic!! Embrace it =) So I layed down the lay with my now husband. If he was drinking I wasn’t coming over. If he wanted me to go to a party I wasn’t going. I reassured both him and I that it would get easier as time went on.. and it did. If I got to his house and found him drunk or drinking I got out of there. I had to do this for me. He could move on if he couldn’t respect that. Yes I would have been devastated if he left me but I was serious about making my life better for me. Here is what I am really here to tell you. We have been together 5 years now and married. It took me laying down the law for him to realize I am not playing around, my life is at risk. We actually have beer in the fridge as we speak- I am no longer tempted (this is where I promise that it will get easier). He will even be the first to come to my defense if someone offers me a drink. And we have an agreement that if I am to take a drink- because we both know where it will lead- he will leave me. Now that is not what is keeping me sober by any means but it just goes to show that we both have no tolerance for my addiction. NOW he sees the changes sobriety has made in me and totally respects my efforts. Back then though he didn’t quite care so much and was oblivious to the fact that this is real life. Don’t get me wrong it is hard at times and not only do you have to be strong but if you choose to have a significant other, obviously they play a huge role in your life and they need to be strong and support you as well. I’m not saying break up with your bf by any means but it sounds like he needs to respect and support you sobriety a little more. You deserve it!

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