Five months after my last drink and I still haven’t told many people that I’m not drinking. Even if I have told them, I haven’t given them all the horrible details. I just mention in passing that I haven’t had a drink for a long time. I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t told anyone. I hate admitting that I don’t tell anyone because I still have hope that I can someday have a drink. I know this is irrational and downright ridiculous. I’ve been down Moderation Road and it wasn’t a pretty trip. I end up fixated on how many more I have allowed myself. If I can stop myself, I spend the rest of the night in a pissy mood.
Here comes the really stupid part… my step father of 36 of my 45 years is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been sober for 35 years. He’s helped hundreds of people by sponsoring them in AA. That’s not the dumb part. My not telling him that I have a problem is.
My step dad is also my boss. He is the one person in this world that I’ve spent most of my life trying to impress. I never felt loved by him as a child. I was the kid who told him, “You’re not my dad”. I was a bratty nine year old who was devastated by my parent’s divorce and my mother’s remarriage two months later. I never gave him a chance and he never gave me one until I started working for him. So, I’m hesitant to disappoint him. Not to mention that I don’t want him to think I’ve been a bad employee.
I’m not sure how much longer I will wait to talk to him. I really don’t prescribe to the whole 12 Step process. I have no desire to sit in a room with other people judging me. He is a die hard believer that the only way to get sober and stay that way is with AA. I’ve had that pounded into my brain since I was nine. So, I think I’ll keep my secret for now.