I couldn’t come up with a title. In fact, I don’t even know what I want to talk about.
I’ve been working a lot lately at job #2. This is an agricultural research job that has me doing the same monotonous motions for 8 hours a day. It’s mindless so there is plenty of time to think.
Today I thought about how alcohol steals time from you. Being a binge drinker means that I would start drinking on a Thursday and not stop sometimes until Sunday night. There were short periods where I may have gone to bed only to get back up and start all over again. This time flew by. 3 days seemed like 4 hours to me. I realize now how much time I wasted not even being aware enough to know what was going on. Top all of this off with 5-7 days afterward of shame, guilt, anxiety and overall malaise and you have a miserable person.
I’m not sure that anyone knew just how much I was drinking. I drank every other weekend because I was away from my daughter. I know my mom could sense that I wasn’t well on Monday mornings after a long binge. I did tell her when I figured out that the strange anxiety I was feeling was due to booze although I didn’t tell her just how much I had to drink. I tried not to drink in front of my daughters, especially after they witnessed just how much I could drink to my embarrassment. My youngest daughter told me that I get annoyingly repetitive. This was not the example I wanted to set for my teen daughters. I feel the most shame about ever drinking like that in front of them.
When I divorced, I made a pact with myself never to drink alone. I followed that rule for a few years and then I found wine. I never cared for wine as it gave me a headache and I loved vodka so much but had become bored with it. A friend brought over a bottle of Riesling and I was smitten. I started treating myself to a bottle every night that I was alone. This love of wine came at the same time that I was watching my aunt die a slow horrible death from Melanoma. I guess I was drowning my sorrows. Wine became my friend after a very long day working in the sun in the fields. Looking back I realize how insane drinking after becoming dehydrated all day was. I lulled myself to sleep with a bottle only to wake up fuzzy and disgusted with myself.
So, I have no idea where I was going with this. Only that I’m happy to be sober and hoping that I can continue.