150 Days

I couldn’t come up with a title.  In fact, I don’t even know what I want to talk about.

I’ve been working a lot lately at job #2.  This is an agricultural research job that has me doing the same monotonous motions for 8 hours a day.  It’s mindless so there is plenty of time to think.

Today I thought about how alcohol steals time from you.  Being a binge drinker means that I would start drinking on a Thursday and not stop sometimes until Sunday night.  There were short periods where I may have gone to bed only to get back up and start all over again.  This time flew by.  3 days seemed like 4 hours to me.  I realize now how much time I wasted not even being aware enough to know what was going on.  Top all of this off with 5-7 days afterward of shame, guilt, anxiety and overall malaise and you have a miserable person.

I’m not sure that anyone knew just how much I was drinking.  I drank every other weekend because I was away from my daughter.  I know my mom could sense that I wasn’t well on Monday mornings after a long binge.  I did tell her when I figured out that the strange anxiety I was feeling was due to booze although I didn’t tell her just how much I had to drink.  I tried not to drink in front of my daughters, especially after they witnessed just how much I could drink to my embarrassment.  My youngest daughter told me that I get annoyingly repetitive.  This was not the example I wanted to set for my teen daughters.  I feel the most shame about ever drinking like that in front of them.

When I divorced, I made a pact with myself never to drink alone.  I followed that rule for a few years and then I found wine.  I never cared for wine as it gave me a headache and I loved vodka so much but had become bored with it.  A friend brought  over a bottle of Riesling and I was smitten.  I started treating myself to a bottle every night that I was alone.  This love of wine came at the same time that I was watching my aunt die a slow horrible death from Melanoma.  I guess I was drowning my sorrows.  Wine became my friend after a very long day working in the sun in the fields.  Looking back I realize how insane drinking after becoming dehydrated all day was.  I lulled myself to sleep with a bottle only to wake up fuzzy and disgusted with myself.

So, I have no idea where I was going with this.  Only that I’m happy to be sober and hoping that I can continue.

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2 thoughts on “150 Days

  1. Your former weekends sound just like mine! You must be making realizations daily. Wasting my life, time ticking, that is what eventually motivated me enough to quit again. I realized that I am not getting any younger and I have shit I want to do. Drinking my life away was not helping. On another note, you must be incredibly hydrated now! And your work sounds really interesting. I would love to work in agriculture. Wishing you a great sober day. Ciao for now, take care!

    Like

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