122 Days

The world is still working against me or so it feels like it. Things have only gotten more escalated with the boyfriend. Just when I think there are no more buttons to be pushed, he finds a new one.  

My sobriety is showing me the volatile nature of this relationship. I think  he cares about me somewhere in his heart but he’s too fucked up in his own head and lost in his own alcoholism to care. 

Every morning, I thank God that I wake up sober and not hung over. I’m too busy to waste my life living in the sickness that booze brings me. When it takes you a week to recover from a binge, you need to realize that you’re going nowhere fast.  It only took me 10 months to figure that one out.  I should be grateful that it didn’t take me years to come to this realization. 

This whole sobriety thing is still hard sometimes. I wasn’t an every day boozer. I don’t physically crave alcohol now but there are days that I want to check into the black oblivion that is my heaven and hell. Feeling emotions is tiring. I mean, I’m physically exhausted from my latest round with the boyfriend. So, I’m going to use the only coping mechanism that’s working for me at the moment and go to bed at 7:30 pm. 

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7 thoughts on “122 Days

  1. I also wasn’t an every day boozer, but I agree with the emotions! It’s tiring, and it’s hard. I’m at 9+ months, and right now life is kicking my ass in so many ways. I keep wanting to feel that escape from my feelings.

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  2. I feel for you honey but I am glad that you see your potential and choose YOU over the bottle. Choosing to write a blogpost to vent and clarify your feelings was a smart move. Helps to push thoughts out of your head and into perspective. Going to bed early is also pretty smart. Rest well and sweet dreams.

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    • Thank you, Phoenix. After a long night, I’m happy I chose sobriety but admit that checking out still sounds attractive. I won’t drink today but if I’m being honest, I’ll still think about it.

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  3. Your coping mechanism is mine… I need to just straight up go to bed.. I am not sure how long it has to be this way, but for me it is best.. Hang in there.. I’m rooting for you!! Xo

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