Tears

Again with having to deal with fucking feelings. I’ve been in a relationship for over four years with a man who has clearly not been good for me. He’s an alcoholic, bi polar, veteran, unemployed mess but I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone besides my daughters. He’s spent the last two days pushing every button I have. I’ve resisted the urge to say, “Fuck it!” and give in to the booze hound.

He has been less than supportive of my sobriety. I can only believe it’s because he is losing his drinking buddy. Me being sober forces him to have to look at himself. He doesn’t get why I can’t have a couple of drinks. He thinks he’s in control of his alcohol intake. I told him that if he has to worry about how much he’s drinking and whether he has a problem then he probably does. Normal people don’t sit around and worry about their alcohol consumption.

He says I’m only fun when I’ve had a few drinks. I’m too uptight when I’m sober.  Maybe he’s right but I’m learning that I can be fun without booze.

What I’ve figured out is that right now, I’m never truly happy. I have nothing to look forward to other than my daughters who are both very intelligent and on their way to greatness. They are my only light at the moment.

Being sober has helped me get the courage to realize  that I deserve better and that’s it’s finally time to take care of my own needs after spending the last 25 years tending to others’.

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3 thoughts on “Tears

  1. A few years ago I was in a dysfunctional and co-dependent relationship. We were both running from issues in our past and drowning the feelings they brought up with alcohol. I did love him and he loved me but eventually I started putting my life together.
    I wanted a better life for myself and unfortunately as he was not ready to deal with his issues he began to feel left behind. He pouted, blamed, whined and retaliated. Eventually I realised that no matter how much I loved him, he wasn’t ready to love himself enough to save our relationship.
    I had to make the difficult decision between staying in a relationship and moving on. My initial knee jerk reaction to the thought of our relationship ending was to hold on tighter. It was caused by fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Change crawled through my imagination and tormented me with negative outcomes. I panicked. My footing felt unsure and I had to hold on to something. I reach out desperately for him and held on even tighter. I was lucky though, and that was a short-lived reaction.

    You see, once I’d reached the point of having to make that choice it was because deep down I already knew that my relationship was not working and was not right. I already knew it is time to let go and move on, and no matter how impossible it seemed to compose that “Reasons To Move On” list it had to be done. That’s when I knew I have to let go of the human fear of change, really search my heart, and ask myself difficult questions:

    Am I really being myself or have I been changing myself in little ways to accommodate another?

    While accommodation and compromise are necessary parts of all relationships, have any of the compromises and accommodations I have made lately left me feeling unhappy or lost or like I am less than the person I know I am?

    Have I put myself on the back burner?

    Am I being true to my heart and following my instinct?

    Am I whole enough on my own and really ready to SHARE my life? Or has the relationship been filling a void that I am yet to fill within myself?

    Is that person whole enough on their own and really ready to share his life with me?

    Is the person I am reluctant to let go of truly ready to inspire, challenge, nurture and love me?

    Am I truly ready to inspire, challenge, nurture and love that person in return?

    What is it that I am so afraid of? Is it that I won’t know how to stand on my own or that I don’t know how to enjoy my own company? Is it that I am afraid that I will be unloved? Where is the fear really coming from?

    Do I realize that if I hold onto this relationship which isn’t working with the blind hope that things will change, I will never make room for the relationship that can work?

    Do I understand that letting go and moving on doesn’t mean not caring nor absence of love, but instead means acceptance and trust?

    I searched my heart for the answers to those questions.

    VG5, you are the only one who can truly know your heart and instinct. If you respect and trust what your heart feels and listen to and accept what your instinct guides you to do, you will find the strength to do what you have to.

    I hope my story helps you in some way.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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